‘You’ve got to have friends.’ So the song says! But for some people, their friends
have completely shaped their lives, and in some cases, saved them. Three women share their stories of friendship with Jinqian Li…
“After what I went through, I never thought I would have a group of close friends who would like me for me.’’
Eve Foster, 31, suffered at the hands of bullies for seven years, and thought that female friendship was inherently toxic. She says:
'“Eve, look at this!” they whispered to me. I turned around and saw a drawing of a stick person falling off a cliff and hitting jagged rocks. “That’s you dying,” they smirked.
When I think back to my school days, the main feeling is a tight sensation in my chest,the kind that comes right before breaking down and crying. It was that drawing that began seven years of bullying, making me feel scared, trapped and confused every single day.
Everything had been fine up until that point. I’d been happy and sociable. But then,aged nine, some girls joined from another school and were quickly embraced as the Queen Bees. At school they’d call me “flat-chested” and make fun of my weight. At the roller disco they’d shout things like, “Eve, shouldn’t you be wearing a bra?” They even scrawled abuse about me across my estate and next to my house. There was no escape. I then ended up isolating myself, becoming more and more anxious and terrified.
I thought this was what female friendship looked like – inherently toxic, but then I met Lauren.
She was outspoken and didn’t let the bullies get to her. She would fight back and stand up for herself until they gave up on her. I guess there’s no fun in bullying when your victim doesn’t care. We began to hang out on weekends, having sleepovers and playing with the other kids on the estate.
Having Lauren around made life bearable, but at age 14 I was distraught when she upped and left. We had both applied for another secondary school, and Lauren got in but I didn’t. I had no idea how I was going to get through the last two years of school without her but instead of falling into a pit of despair, I dried my tears and a fire lit inside me. It must have been Lauren’s influence. I decided I would get my head down, make the grades, and get into that school to take my A Levels.
I was worried that Lauren would make new friends before I got there, and eventually forget about me. But she didn’t. Instead, when I finally arrived, she invited me into her new group of friends. There were no bitchy comments, just fun. We would all hang out on the weekends, go to one another's houses, have BBQs and, of course, partake in underage drinking.
It was the first time I had experienced how positive a female friendship group could be.After what I had been through, I never thought I would have a group of close friends who would like me for me. I can honestly say that they saved me.
Fifteen years later, I still love them all. Now when I think back on those gruelling school years, I feel stronger. They tried to break me but because of Lauren's friendship, they didn’t succeed.'
Eve (the left first) and her friends in the story (Photo source: Eve Foster)
"It was at this dark time I experienced the power of a loyal, fearless friendship in saving me."
Amy Jacob, 35, went through one of her toughest years after she broke up with her ex. But the power of friendship saw her through. She says:
‘Heartbreak is something that happens in the silent hours of a Sunday morning, when I wake to see the un-dented pillow next to me, and smell the fading scent of where his clothes used to be in the now empty drawer.
In January 2019, my relationship of five years came abruptly to an end. The man that I thought would be in my life forever was suddenly gone, and I began to unravel in my state of shock and pain.
It was at this dark time I experienced the power of a loyal, fearless friendship in saving me. My core group of friends who, without being asked, wove together an invisible safety net and threw it around me, just as I was about to hit rock bottom.
I remember calling my girlfriend Jess, while lying in a crumpled snotty mess in the back of an Uber, having just had that final conversation with him. Jess and I have been friends since the first day of primary school, when we were the only two children refusing to let go of our mother’s hands, both clinging onto their legs. Our mums got us to hold hands, and we have never let go of each other since.
Jess talked to me for the entire journey home, and that weekend she came over to my mum’s house, where I was camping out. She texted and called me every day, and made fun plans for us for the weeks ahead. She never asked me if I was ok, because she just knew I wasn’t, and she was always there without me having to ask.
Amy (L) and Jess (R) as children (Photo source: Amy Jacob)
My other powerhouse of a friend is Geri. We have been friends since we were two years old. We met at nursery on the day that we both decided to wear the Maid Marian fancy dress costume. We made the decision we should wear it together, and so marched around in the cheap chiffon dress like co-joined twins. She is one of those people who just makes me laugh so hard. In my darkest days after the split, she took me stomping through the mud on Hampstead Heath and let me cry and talk myself stupid.
She stayed with me the night before my birthday so I had someone to wake up and celebrate with. When I finally felt strong enough to move back into the flat I had shared with my ex, she turned up with a bottle of Prosecco in one hand, and some witch’s sage in the other - to cleanse it of the negative spirits. That night, me, Geri and Jess put the world to rights over wine, lasagne and our 30-something years of memories.
A birthday card from Geri (Photo source: Amy Jacob)
It has been three years since my breakup, and I look back and recognise that it is these women who saw me through my toughest times, from holding me as I wept in a pool in Croatia, to sharing beautiful sunsets in Mexico. My Instagram profile sparkles with the aura of these amazing women, but more importantly, they see beyond the filters, and we are each other’s biggest ‘cheerleaders’. I’ve sniffed at that word before,feeling it was too trite. But now? Now I get it.’
"A friend who encourages you to be accountable for your own happiness really is one in a million."
When Grace Smith, 26, was coming out, she was the only queer person she knew - which made support from her straight friend all the more vital. She says:
‘When I came out at 17, I was the only gay person that I knew. It was the summer of 2013 when something inside me snapped. I had got to the point where I couldn’t hide my infatuation with women.
From a young age I knew I felt differently about boys than my other female friends. It wasn’t until I started college that things started to click in my mind. I suddenly developed a huge crush on one of my female lecturers, which was a pretty rude awakening. For the first time, I felt the butterflies that my friends had spoken about.
Coming out was equally as revolutionary for me as it was terrifying. I didn’t have to hide who I was anymore, and it felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders.My relief soon turned to anxiety when I thought about other people’s reactions and part of me just hoped it actually was a phase.
But when I met my best friend Belle on my first day of university, the fact that I was gay was basically the first thing she knew about me. Being able to say, “I like girls,” was a huge moment for me, as I hadn’t ever said it so easily before. I’d been excited to go to university so I could be open about who I was, but I was nervous about how people would react. That disclosure to Belle landed without reaction, and I knew then that I’d found a good friend.
As freshers drew on, Belle and I got closer. We came as a duo – where she went, I did too. I still felt uncomfortable being gay, especially as she was straight, and I often fought against it mentally, but Belle helped me to accept it. She understood that if I didn’t, I would be doing a lot of damage to myself long-term. Having someone like her in my life was a great relief.
At the break-up of my first relationship with a woman in 2017, Belle was there for me again. I struggled to cope because all my insecurities came flooding back but she picked me up off the floor, reminding me how fiercely loyal and selfless she was.
From her I learnt an important lesson. A friend that holds you up in a particularly dark time is lifesaving, but a friend who helps you come out of it stronger and encourages you to be accountable for your own happiness really is one in a million.'
Grace (L) and Belle (R) on university graduation (Photo source: Grace Smith)
Grace (R) and Belle (L) (Photo source: Grace Smith)
Sidebar: Why Friends Are Important
YouGov research in 2021 reveals that friendships are an important source of happiness, well-being, and longevity. Unidimensional friendship quality is highly linked to life satisfaction and positive affect.
Liz Prayor, author and friendship expert, said: “Everyone has self-doubts and insecurities every now and then. But having friends who support you will shine a light on just how amazing you are and how much you have to offer others.
“Talk to your friends while you need to. We all need somebody to lean on.''
Comentários