Whilst viewed by some as a happy experience, a survey conducted by Glasgow University shows a THIRD of young women regret deciding to lose their virginity at a young age. Jinqian Li speaks with four young girls reflecting on their sexual experiences.
The boasting came in thick and fast as teenager Charlotte Smith listened to her friends sharing explicit details about their first sexual experiences, one summer evening in the local park. She felt increasingly isolated and left out.
“I was 16, and they kept asking me why I hadn’t had sex, which made me feel as if I wasn’t grown up like them,” said Charlotte, now 24, from Mere, Wiltshire.
Shortly after, feeling the pressure to conform, Charlotte gave in to her 17-year-old boyfriend Carl’s* continuous pestering for sex when her parents were out at work one day.
She had anticipated a romantic encounter, but the reality was rather different.
“We had sex on the bathroom floor because it was the only room with a lock,” she said. “It all felt so seedy, I regretted it immediately, but I didn’t want to stop.”
Charlotte’s regret intensified when Carl – who had used contraception – coldly left the house straight afterwards and then denied it to his friends who would tease him.
She said: “I think he was ashamed to be associated with me, which hurt. For months, I dreaded going to school. I hated seeing Carl and worried that everyone thought I was a liar.”
Things went from bad to worse when Charlotte confided in her friends that she had finally joined their ‘club’, only for them to admit they had been lying and were, in fact, still virgins.
As a vulnerable teenager whose concerns should have been centred on family life, friendship and her GCSEs, Charlotte instead spent hours crying alone in her bedroom, unable to confide in her parents, for fear that they would be furious with her.
Her story can only fuel concerns about the lasting damage on today’s young generation who see having sex experience just above the legal age of consent of 16 as a ‘must’.
David Spellman, a consultant clinical psychologist and family therapist, said that once a young person has become sexually active, they are likely to have sex with their next partner much sooner.
He said: “Having sex carries a sense of ‘truly being adult’. It has become the norm in our culture to be embarrassed if you have not had sex, as if there is something wrong with you, but in my view, young people should be discouraged from rushing into it.”
A recent survey of young girls conducted by Glasgow University, revealed that in Britain — which has the third highest number of sexually active 16 to 20-year-olds in the world — more than 30% of young women regret their decision to have sex that early.
For, Kimberley Beaumont, becoming sexually active at the age of 16 has left her plagued by insecurities. She has never felt able to enjoy sex or have a stable relationship since.
Kimberley, now 22, from North London, had sex for the first time on her 16th birthday with her boyfriend of three months. Darren*, who was also 16.
“We were both virgins and hadn’t a clue what to do. But neither of us wanted to be the one to give up so we carried on trying for most of the night, until I couldn’t stand the pain any longer,” she said.
“It hurt so much, and I didn’t stop bleeding or sobbing for two days. We were too scared to tell our parents what we’d done, in case they were angry. If I could turn back the clock, I’d tell my 16-year-old self to wait before thinking about having a sexual relationship.
“If I’d been older I would have had the confidence to have stopped it far sooner and saved myself a lot of distress. Though we used contraception I knew nothing of the importance of lubrication, and it was impossible to see how something so painful could be pleasurable.
“I thought losing my virginity would make me feel grown up, but it just reminded me I was still a young girl.”
Kimberley and Darren were in a relationship until she was 19 and continued to have sex. While it eventually stopped being painful, Kimberley still felt too anxious and stressed to enjoy it. She believes she was ‘playing’ at being an adult long before she was emotionally equipped for everything that a physical relationship entailed.
“That first experience set up very negative associations. Fear of the pain has made me dread sex,” she said.
Unpleasant early memories have a tendency of lodging themselves in the subconscious mind, surfacing whenever a person faces a similar experience again. And Kimberley’s first sexual experience continues to haunt her.
She said: “I’ve never seen the pleasure in sex. I never instigate it and if I could avoid making love and have a kiss and a cuddle instead, I would. That’s how all my relationships eventually ended.”
Kimberley’s current boyfriend Joseph*, 24, is serving abroad. She sees him only twice a year, which she regards as a perfect arrangement.
She explained: “Having a long-distance romance means I can prepare myself mentally for sex when we’re going to meet. I’m more relaxed sexually with him than I’ve been with anyone because he’s more experienced and patient than my previous boyfriends.”
However, instead of being driven by any pressure or commitment, having the first sex sometimes is more about the fact that young girls want to – and feel they ought to – know how it would work out. If sex is with the right person, in the right way, it could be a happy experience.
For Keren Smith, 23, Cardiff, it is one of her favourite teenage memories.
“I was 17 and horny. I just couldn’t wait to see how it worked,” she said.
Keren had her first sexual experience with a relatively familiar friend on their graduation trip.
She added: “He got on top of me and nothing happened. Somehow my tightly-wound brain was sending signals to my vagina that nothing would enter my body. I told my friends that it was never going to happen. But we were both interested in exploring it.”
After some extensive Googling, Keren realized that when women are on top it gives them more control during sex. So they tried it, and like magic (actually about 15 minutes of her agonisingly lowering herself onto him) it happened.
She said: “I still remember that his eyes and face completely lit up when he realised we’d actually figured it out.
“We haven't kept in contact with each other since then, but it was funny and awkward and sweet. My gynaecologist always comments on how strong my weird vagina is but figuring out ways to relax myself has gotten a lot easier.”
Dr Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist, said: “Having an early sexual debut isn't necessarily all bad. It is associated with many positive benefits, including greater romantic appeal.
“Good sex, no matter of your age, means you both feel free and easy about what you do together. It boosts your confidence, and allows you to know yourself better.”
However, even if your first sex experience wasn’t as expected, there will always be plenty more encounters to awaken your desires and deepen the value you place on sex.
Emily Hackett, from Gillingham, Kent, decided to have sex for the first time when she was 17. Jamie* was 18, and her first boyfriend. All their friends seemed to be having sex, so they did too.
Three months later, Emily discovered that Jamie was seeing other girls behind her back.
It was a crushing discovery, and Emily struggled to understand how the boy who she had given something as precious as her virginity to, could be so cavalier about her feelings.
Their relationship ended, but it left Emily with the feeling that having sex with someone on the first night would lead to other loving relationships. By 19, she realised it was having the opposite effect.
Emily, now 23, had a low opinion of herself and an unhappy relationship history until she met 25-year-old hairdresser, Conor Moorey four years ago. Being in a committed and loving relationship has helped her to grow in confidence.
“Being with Conor has taught me that not all men are after just one thing,” she said.
“But I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. My teenage years would have been much happier if I’d waited until I was old enough to understand the complexities of relationships.”
Those complexities abound in adult life, when sex becomes an intrinsic facet of love — and when we are emotionally equipped, at least to some degree, to cope with that.
Conversely, the urge to taste just fresh fruit can turn what should be one of the most profound and pleasurable of human experiences into a minefield of worry, guilt and self-doubt.
“Recognizing that a sexual debut, whether early, normative, or late, can carry both risks and rewards allows young people to make informed choices about what can be one of the most important decisions of their lives,” added Dr Christophers.
*Carl, Darren, Joseph and Jamie are pseudonyms.
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